I went to the doctor last week for my annual exam. I normally don't go to these but my insurance assured me that going through my family doc as an annual would be the only way they would pay for my mammogram. So there I was, jumping through the hoops. In case you are curious, yeah, he not only located the lump I found but three others as well. Not fun.
I had already been super stressed for the last few months for undisclosed reasons. Nothing bad, just extremely stressful. Unfortunately when I get stressed, I eat. I can cook, I'm sort of good at it, so having my emotions also tied to food is a really bad thing since its so easy for me to just make stuff at home. This was not my problem this time however. I had become addicted to the french fries at Iceberg Drive-inn, and the blood results from my annual proved that, as all of my cholesterol, both good and bad, was way too high and my liver was starting to fail as well. So I decided to just do it. I am going to lose this weight. As of the 5th of May, I weighed 270 lbs. Seriously scary, I know. No more hoping my husband will start eating healthy or hoping that he will change if I start eating healthy, and when he doesn't at all, give up and go along with him. I'm done babying him, and I am going to lose the weight.
My superdad jumped in with me and has promised me that if I lose 100 lbs then he will buy me the new clothes I need. This is huge since he is not rich by any standards. Its not like he has dollar bills that he uses as kindling. He is a great support for me.
I honestly wasn't going to do one of these blogs where I blab about losing the weight and talking about myself cause honestly, I have always hated it when other women have done it. Though as I sit here, I can't help wondering if the real reason I have always hated those blogs was out of pure jealousy that they had the ambition and support to actually achieve their weightloss. So here I am, writing. I will get to why later on, but I honestly don't care who reads this. It is mostly for me.
Now to the story which has brought me to the point of needing to publish my journey. My birthday was on the 8th of May. I'm no spring chicken and having four kids has been incredibly unkind on my body. I have never felt more unloved before than now though. My birthday festivities included the following. Getting the kids fed and ready to school, then driving them to school. Coming home and doing dishes, and lots of laundry. Meanwhile also having to cater to my husband because he is "having a bad day" and he needs my love and support, etc. If you are curious, he was having a bad day cause our son acted up and treated me like crap all day. Yeah, somehow that means that HE is having a bad day and I should be understanding of that. What did he get me for my birthday you ask? Oh nothing. Nothing at all in fact. I got angry and bought myself 6 little clay pots for about 70 cents each. He got pissed that I would spend money on myself. But I had decided that what I wanted for my birthday was to put in an indoor herb garden on the top of the TV stand/center in the basement and he couldn't even be bothered to clean off the top so I could at least have a place to put my herbs. Yeah, guess who gets to do that. Then the day went on, we both got our drivers licenses renewed, since his was way expired, and then went to pick up the kids from school and go home. What did he make us for dinner you ask? Oh nothing. Nothing at all. No that was up to me, again. So I helped the kids with their homework, did more laundry, more dishes, and cooked dinner for them all, on my birthday. What was he doing that was so important that it overruled doing ANYTHING for my birthday, even something as little as letting me finally relax for five minutes while he took care of the kids? Playing a computer game. Yes. VERY IMPORTANT. Well to him anyway, but I've known for years that the computer is more important than I am. He threatened to divorce me once when I unplugged the stupid thing because I needed help with cleaning the house.
After dinner, I begged him to help, so he did. He jumped right in by telling the kids to go to bed and closing their doors when they did. I just wanted SOME time with him, so I thought I would play the computer game with him. May as well, he won't do anything else, right? So I did. To add to further insult, even that wasn't good enough for him. He wanted to play the game that HE wanted to play, and when I asked about the one I wanted to, he completely blew me off and decided to play his game alone or I could join him on HIS terms. Thus ends the day of feeling completely unloved. I told my best friend about it, not in this much detail obviously, but she was so upset that when I went to visit her the next day, she met me at the door with a cake, candles and her sweet family lined up to sing to me. By the grace of God, the tears did not start flowing, though I did tear up. I am thankful I didn't start crying because honestly, I don't think I could have stopped. Now remember, I had been on a strict diet now for 4 days. Yeah, not much, but the fact I hadn't had any junk food or given up on the diet all together is a minor miracle, because I was seriously depressed and food has always temporarily given me the hug I so desperately needed. I am so thankful to my friend, and she will never know or understand just how much that birthday cake meant to me. If you are wondering, yes, I did have a small slice, but that was pretty much the only thing I ate all day, so I am ok. Still on the diet.
Fast forward to today, Mother's Day. If you are not LDS, let me explain something real quick. The men in our church are supposed to treat women with such respect and awe. I love our church, they literally beat it into the men's heads to treat women right and be grateful for them. My husband worked today, it was his normal shift. But from reading the previous paragraphs, you can probably guess how my Mother's Day went. You got it! He didn't get me anything, which honestly I don't care about, I hate clutter anyway. But he also didn't do ANYTHING else. Do you know how hard it was to sit in church and listen to men talk about how wonderful their wives and mothers were/are and how blessed men are to have them in their lives. Then go to my parents house where my mother has gotten roses from my brother, a big blue orchid from me and a nice diamond ring with roses from my dad. Then he tops it off with making dinner for us and making sure that my mom and I don't do the dishes, because it is mother's day. The roses and diamond ring, I can live without. But having a man who teaches your kids to treat their mother special? Boy I sure could use that. I had a good time with my parents, but it again hurt to know that I will never have that for myself. For those following strictly the diet, no I did not have a doughnut that my brother brought, or ice cream or anything bad. I still made it through sticking to my diet. When 7:00 rolled around and we were driving home, I had finally had it. I called my husband and told him how I felt. Even then I still didn't even get a "Happy Mother's Day" or anything. No, instead he isn't speaking to me now because I have no right to be upset, so he is mad at me for daring to be upset. Bonus, right?
So here I sit on the computer.The kids are all tucked into bed, and I am alone and completely unloved by the one person who I should never have to feel this way from. You would think it wouldn't bother me. Our first Mother's Day after we were married, he made sure to tell me that he felt Mother's Day was completely unnecessary and he would never celebrate it, yet year after year, I allow myself to be hurt. And I have caught myself running to the fridge three times since I tucked the kids in. I don't want to break this diet. I want to continue on, but I am in such a low place right now. This is why I am here telling you about this. I thought maybe if I scream it on a blog, maybe I could avoid the emotional need of making myself something super fattening, super carby, and possibly sweet. I wanted to post it on face book but he would be so pissed off and that is all I need, to have him even more mad at me. So here it all is. I am screaming in my blog but as of now, I have made it through 6 days of diet. I cannot weigh myself for a faint hope that I have lost any weight, because my scale is either broken or needs a new battery, and my oldest has used all the batteries. Yes you can laugh. I sure do.
No comments:
Post a Comment