LOL yeah, I hurt something fierce today. I swear I have a bladder infection, but yeah, excruciating pain today. So I went to the doc, and they cant figure out what is wrong either, but gave me the antibiotics just in case it is a UTI or whatever. The good part of all this though is I finally got to do a weigh in on a scale that I KNOW is not broken. Down to 257 baby! And no, that's not with taking my shoes off or wearing light jeans or whatever, I don't like to do that mostly because when I get a weight I want it compared to the scale at the doc.
There is a slight chance that part of the pain I am feeling is from how much work and working out I did yesterday, but hey, if my "scale" at home is correct like the one at the doc, then I have lost a pound since yesterday? So maybe this pain is worth it!
Saturday, May 24, 2014
Tuesday, May 20, 2014
It's still progress, right?
You guessed it. I'm feeling down again.
Ok confession time. I had mcdonalds for dinner and unless you live in some obscure tribe in the middle of the amazon, you know that's not good for a fighter. Yes i used the word fighter, dieting makes it sound like a fat lazy lady who is just pretending to get healthy. Stereotypes, gotta love em. But when all you want is to feed the kids and get them in bed, there isn't a huge variety to choose from and let's face it, no drive through offers healthy despite the baby being asleep. I was surprised by myself today though. I sadly ordered the same amount of food as normal, about twice as much as one of the kids, and yet i only ate about half of it before realizing i was genuinely full! Sort of progress i guess.
I weighed in this week at about 10 lbs down total. Totally disappointing. I honestly thought I would be further along. What I would give to have support in this besides my parent that i only see once or twice a week. But it's still progress i guess.
Thursday, May 15, 2014
I needed a good day!
My scale, still "broken." It will still work, it just needs a little"nudge" to make it. Its ok to laugh, life is funny sometimes. After the last few months I really needed a good day and while yesterday wasn't the dream life kind of a day, it was definitely the therapy I needed. First was the dreaded cancer screening time. I went in for my mammogram I have been dreading for a week. In case you missed it, not only did I find a lump, but my doctor confirmed it and added a few more that he found. Well after some extensive xrays, and an ultrasound, it has been decided that I do not afterall have cancer. What a relief! I will admit, I was scared. I was about 50/50 on whether I actually had cancer or not.
The lady who did my mammogram was such a sweet lady. She was as gentle as she could possibly be, and it was not at all painful like other drama queens tried to tell me it was.The ultrasound was quick and easy, but I kind of figured it would be. What I don't understand is why an ultrasound of a breast cost over $3000. A little ridiculous if you ask me. Unlike my poor mother's experience, the radiologist is there with the mammography and ultrasounds so you can get an immediate answer as to whether there is a worry or not. My poor mother had to wait for the radiologist to get back with her. I cannot imagine the agonizing wait she went through. But the good news came anyway, I was in the clear, at least for now. I may have to go back in 6 months if the lumps don't clear up or get any bigger, but the radiologist told me that a false negative after an in depth mammogram and and ultrasound is extremely rare, so I needn't worry. YAY!
My sweet mother, who was kind enough to drive me to the hospital and stay with me started crying when I told her the news. She had people all over the country praying on my behalf and she even had to sit down in the front lobby for a little while to let the emotions get out, as well as break the wonderful news to friends and family.
Then on to the actual weight journey of it all. Yes, the scale somewhat works, but it worked enough to tell me that on day 7 of this massive journey I had officially lost 5 lbs. I will be honest. I was disappointed. I thought for sure I would have lost more than that. But it is a start. After doing the math and realizing that 5 lbs/week is still about 20lbs/month. That means I could possibly reach my goal in 5 months. I know, its not realistic and it gets harder the closer I get, but hey. I gave myself a year to lose 100, lets stick to it. For now, I will accept 5 lbs of loss and keep moving forward.
The lady who did my mammogram was such a sweet lady. She was as gentle as she could possibly be, and it was not at all painful like other drama queens tried to tell me it was.The ultrasound was quick and easy, but I kind of figured it would be. What I don't understand is why an ultrasound of a breast cost over $3000. A little ridiculous if you ask me. Unlike my poor mother's experience, the radiologist is there with the mammography and ultrasounds so you can get an immediate answer as to whether there is a worry or not. My poor mother had to wait for the radiologist to get back with her. I cannot imagine the agonizing wait she went through. But the good news came anyway, I was in the clear, at least for now. I may have to go back in 6 months if the lumps don't clear up or get any bigger, but the radiologist told me that a false negative after an in depth mammogram and and ultrasound is extremely rare, so I needn't worry. YAY!
My sweet mother, who was kind enough to drive me to the hospital and stay with me started crying when I told her the news. She had people all over the country praying on my behalf and she even had to sit down in the front lobby for a little while to let the emotions get out, as well as break the wonderful news to friends and family.
Then on to the actual weight journey of it all. Yes, the scale somewhat works, but it worked enough to tell me that on day 7 of this massive journey I had officially lost 5 lbs. I will be honest. I was disappointed. I thought for sure I would have lost more than that. But it is a start. After doing the math and realizing that 5 lbs/week is still about 20lbs/month. That means I could possibly reach my goal in 5 months. I know, its not realistic and it gets harder the closer I get, but hey. I gave myself a year to lose 100, lets stick to it. For now, I will accept 5 lbs of loss and keep moving forward.
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
Murphy's law.
Its my diet version of Murphy's law. Try to go on a mega diet and everyone and their dog will suddenly offer you things to break said diet. Donuts, snickers bars, ice cream. From what I have seen, it becomes habit to like the healthy food over the fatty foods and sweets. So for now I am taking Nancy Reagan's advice and just saying "NO" and leaving the rest to God. It is getting harder, but I have to keep going. I have a feeling if I have a really successful first month then I may just make it.
As you may have read in my first post, my scale is not working, so here I am at day 7, with absolutely no idea if I have made any progress or not. My husband is out right now buying a battery so I can at least try to get it to work again though.
-Still pushing through.
As you may have read in my first post, my scale is not working, so here I am at day 7, with absolutely no idea if I have made any progress or not. My husband is out right now buying a battery so I can at least try to get it to work again though.
-Still pushing through.
Sunday, May 11, 2014
My first hard day.
I went to the doctor last week for my annual exam. I normally don't go to these but my insurance assured me that going through my family doc as an annual would be the only way they would pay for my mammogram. So there I was, jumping through the hoops. In case you are curious, yeah, he not only located the lump I found but three others as well. Not fun.
I had already been super stressed for the last few months for undisclosed reasons. Nothing bad, just extremely stressful. Unfortunately when I get stressed, I eat. I can cook, I'm sort of good at it, so having my emotions also tied to food is a really bad thing since its so easy for me to just make stuff at home. This was not my problem this time however. I had become addicted to the french fries at Iceberg Drive-inn, and the blood results from my annual proved that, as all of my cholesterol, both good and bad, was way too high and my liver was starting to fail as well. So I decided to just do it. I am going to lose this weight. As of the 5th of May, I weighed 270 lbs. Seriously scary, I know. No more hoping my husband will start eating healthy or hoping that he will change if I start eating healthy, and when he doesn't at all, give up and go along with him. I'm done babying him, and I am going to lose the weight.
My superdad jumped in with me and has promised me that if I lose 100 lbs then he will buy me the new clothes I need. This is huge since he is not rich by any standards. Its not like he has dollar bills that he uses as kindling. He is a great support for me.
I honestly wasn't going to do one of these blogs where I blab about losing the weight and talking about myself cause honestly, I have always hated it when other women have done it. Though as I sit here, I can't help wondering if the real reason I have always hated those blogs was out of pure jealousy that they had the ambition and support to actually achieve their weightloss. So here I am, writing. I will get to why later on, but I honestly don't care who reads this. It is mostly for me.
Now to the story which has brought me to the point of needing to publish my journey. My birthday was on the 8th of May. I'm no spring chicken and having four kids has been incredibly unkind on my body. I have never felt more unloved before than now though. My birthday festivities included the following. Getting the kids fed and ready to school, then driving them to school. Coming home and doing dishes, and lots of laundry. Meanwhile also having to cater to my husband because he is "having a bad day" and he needs my love and support, etc. If you are curious, he was having a bad day cause our son acted up and treated me like crap all day. Yeah, somehow that means that HE is having a bad day and I should be understanding of that. What did he get me for my birthday you ask? Oh nothing. Nothing at all in fact. I got angry and bought myself 6 little clay pots for about 70 cents each. He got pissed that I would spend money on myself. But I had decided that what I wanted for my birthday was to put in an indoor herb garden on the top of the TV stand/center in the basement and he couldn't even be bothered to clean off the top so I could at least have a place to put my herbs. Yeah, guess who gets to do that. Then the day went on, we both got our drivers licenses renewed, since his was way expired, and then went to pick up the kids from school and go home. What did he make us for dinner you ask? Oh nothing. Nothing at all. No that was up to me, again. So I helped the kids with their homework, did more laundry, more dishes, and cooked dinner for them all, on my birthday. What was he doing that was so important that it overruled doing ANYTHING for my birthday, even something as little as letting me finally relax for five minutes while he took care of the kids? Playing a computer game. Yes. VERY IMPORTANT. Well to him anyway, but I've known for years that the computer is more important than I am. He threatened to divorce me once when I unplugged the stupid thing because I needed help with cleaning the house.
After dinner, I begged him to help, so he did. He jumped right in by telling the kids to go to bed and closing their doors when they did. I just wanted SOME time with him, so I thought I would play the computer game with him. May as well, he won't do anything else, right? So I did. To add to further insult, even that wasn't good enough for him. He wanted to play the game that HE wanted to play, and when I asked about the one I wanted to, he completely blew me off and decided to play his game alone or I could join him on HIS terms. Thus ends the day of feeling completely unloved. I told my best friend about it, not in this much detail obviously, but she was so upset that when I went to visit her the next day, she met me at the door with a cake, candles and her sweet family lined up to sing to me. By the grace of God, the tears did not start flowing, though I did tear up. I am thankful I didn't start crying because honestly, I don't think I could have stopped. Now remember, I had been on a strict diet now for 4 days. Yeah, not much, but the fact I hadn't had any junk food or given up on the diet all together is a minor miracle, because I was seriously depressed and food has always temporarily given me the hug I so desperately needed. I am so thankful to my friend, and she will never know or understand just how much that birthday cake meant to me. If you are wondering, yes, I did have a small slice, but that was pretty much the only thing I ate all day, so I am ok. Still on the diet.
Fast forward to today, Mother's Day. If you are not LDS, let me explain something real quick. The men in our church are supposed to treat women with such respect and awe. I love our church, they literally beat it into the men's heads to treat women right and be grateful for them. My husband worked today, it was his normal shift. But from reading the previous paragraphs, you can probably guess how my Mother's Day went. You got it! He didn't get me anything, which honestly I don't care about, I hate clutter anyway. But he also didn't do ANYTHING else. Do you know how hard it was to sit in church and listen to men talk about how wonderful their wives and mothers were/are and how blessed men are to have them in their lives. Then go to my parents house where my mother has gotten roses from my brother, a big blue orchid from me and a nice diamond ring with roses from my dad. Then he tops it off with making dinner for us and making sure that my mom and I don't do the dishes, because it is mother's day. The roses and diamond ring, I can live without. But having a man who teaches your kids to treat their mother special? Boy I sure could use that. I had a good time with my parents, but it again hurt to know that I will never have that for myself. For those following strictly the diet, no I did not have a doughnut that my brother brought, or ice cream or anything bad. I still made it through sticking to my diet. When 7:00 rolled around and we were driving home, I had finally had it. I called my husband and told him how I felt. Even then I still didn't even get a "Happy Mother's Day" or anything. No, instead he isn't speaking to me now because I have no right to be upset, so he is mad at me for daring to be upset. Bonus, right?
So here I sit on the computer.The kids are all tucked into bed, and I am alone and completely unloved by the one person who I should never have to feel this way from. You would think it wouldn't bother me. Our first Mother's Day after we were married, he made sure to tell me that he felt Mother's Day was completely unnecessary and he would never celebrate it, yet year after year, I allow myself to be hurt. And I have caught myself running to the fridge three times since I tucked the kids in. I don't want to break this diet. I want to continue on, but I am in such a low place right now. This is why I am here telling you about this. I thought maybe if I scream it on a blog, maybe I could avoid the emotional need of making myself something super fattening, super carby, and possibly sweet. I wanted to post it on face book but he would be so pissed off and that is all I need, to have him even more mad at me. So here it all is. I am screaming in my blog but as of now, I have made it through 6 days of diet. I cannot weigh myself for a faint hope that I have lost any weight, because my scale is either broken or needs a new battery, and my oldest has used all the batteries. Yes you can laugh. I sure do.
I had already been super stressed for the last few months for undisclosed reasons. Nothing bad, just extremely stressful. Unfortunately when I get stressed, I eat. I can cook, I'm sort of good at it, so having my emotions also tied to food is a really bad thing since its so easy for me to just make stuff at home. This was not my problem this time however. I had become addicted to the french fries at Iceberg Drive-inn, and the blood results from my annual proved that, as all of my cholesterol, both good and bad, was way too high and my liver was starting to fail as well. So I decided to just do it. I am going to lose this weight. As of the 5th of May, I weighed 270 lbs. Seriously scary, I know. No more hoping my husband will start eating healthy or hoping that he will change if I start eating healthy, and when he doesn't at all, give up and go along with him. I'm done babying him, and I am going to lose the weight.
My superdad jumped in with me and has promised me that if I lose 100 lbs then he will buy me the new clothes I need. This is huge since he is not rich by any standards. Its not like he has dollar bills that he uses as kindling. He is a great support for me.
I honestly wasn't going to do one of these blogs where I blab about losing the weight and talking about myself cause honestly, I have always hated it when other women have done it. Though as I sit here, I can't help wondering if the real reason I have always hated those blogs was out of pure jealousy that they had the ambition and support to actually achieve their weightloss. So here I am, writing. I will get to why later on, but I honestly don't care who reads this. It is mostly for me.
Now to the story which has brought me to the point of needing to publish my journey. My birthday was on the 8th of May. I'm no spring chicken and having four kids has been incredibly unkind on my body. I have never felt more unloved before than now though. My birthday festivities included the following. Getting the kids fed and ready to school, then driving them to school. Coming home and doing dishes, and lots of laundry. Meanwhile also having to cater to my husband because he is "having a bad day" and he needs my love and support, etc. If you are curious, he was having a bad day cause our son acted up and treated me like crap all day. Yeah, somehow that means that HE is having a bad day and I should be understanding of that. What did he get me for my birthday you ask? Oh nothing. Nothing at all in fact. I got angry and bought myself 6 little clay pots for about 70 cents each. He got pissed that I would spend money on myself. But I had decided that what I wanted for my birthday was to put in an indoor herb garden on the top of the TV stand/center in the basement and he couldn't even be bothered to clean off the top so I could at least have a place to put my herbs. Yeah, guess who gets to do that. Then the day went on, we both got our drivers licenses renewed, since his was way expired, and then went to pick up the kids from school and go home. What did he make us for dinner you ask? Oh nothing. Nothing at all. No that was up to me, again. So I helped the kids with their homework, did more laundry, more dishes, and cooked dinner for them all, on my birthday. What was he doing that was so important that it overruled doing ANYTHING for my birthday, even something as little as letting me finally relax for five minutes while he took care of the kids? Playing a computer game. Yes. VERY IMPORTANT. Well to him anyway, but I've known for years that the computer is more important than I am. He threatened to divorce me once when I unplugged the stupid thing because I needed help with cleaning the house.
After dinner, I begged him to help, so he did. He jumped right in by telling the kids to go to bed and closing their doors when they did. I just wanted SOME time with him, so I thought I would play the computer game with him. May as well, he won't do anything else, right? So I did. To add to further insult, even that wasn't good enough for him. He wanted to play the game that HE wanted to play, and when I asked about the one I wanted to, he completely blew me off and decided to play his game alone or I could join him on HIS terms. Thus ends the day of feeling completely unloved. I told my best friend about it, not in this much detail obviously, but she was so upset that when I went to visit her the next day, she met me at the door with a cake, candles and her sweet family lined up to sing to me. By the grace of God, the tears did not start flowing, though I did tear up. I am thankful I didn't start crying because honestly, I don't think I could have stopped. Now remember, I had been on a strict diet now for 4 days. Yeah, not much, but the fact I hadn't had any junk food or given up on the diet all together is a minor miracle, because I was seriously depressed and food has always temporarily given me the hug I so desperately needed. I am so thankful to my friend, and she will never know or understand just how much that birthday cake meant to me. If you are wondering, yes, I did have a small slice, but that was pretty much the only thing I ate all day, so I am ok. Still on the diet.
Fast forward to today, Mother's Day. If you are not LDS, let me explain something real quick. The men in our church are supposed to treat women with such respect and awe. I love our church, they literally beat it into the men's heads to treat women right and be grateful for them. My husband worked today, it was his normal shift. But from reading the previous paragraphs, you can probably guess how my Mother's Day went. You got it! He didn't get me anything, which honestly I don't care about, I hate clutter anyway. But he also didn't do ANYTHING else. Do you know how hard it was to sit in church and listen to men talk about how wonderful their wives and mothers were/are and how blessed men are to have them in their lives. Then go to my parents house where my mother has gotten roses from my brother, a big blue orchid from me and a nice diamond ring with roses from my dad. Then he tops it off with making dinner for us and making sure that my mom and I don't do the dishes, because it is mother's day. The roses and diamond ring, I can live without. But having a man who teaches your kids to treat their mother special? Boy I sure could use that. I had a good time with my parents, but it again hurt to know that I will never have that for myself. For those following strictly the diet, no I did not have a doughnut that my brother brought, or ice cream or anything bad. I still made it through sticking to my diet. When 7:00 rolled around and we were driving home, I had finally had it. I called my husband and told him how I felt. Even then I still didn't even get a "Happy Mother's Day" or anything. No, instead he isn't speaking to me now because I have no right to be upset, so he is mad at me for daring to be upset. Bonus, right?
So here I sit on the computer.The kids are all tucked into bed, and I am alone and completely unloved by the one person who I should never have to feel this way from. You would think it wouldn't bother me. Our first Mother's Day after we were married, he made sure to tell me that he felt Mother's Day was completely unnecessary and he would never celebrate it, yet year after year, I allow myself to be hurt. And I have caught myself running to the fridge three times since I tucked the kids in. I don't want to break this diet. I want to continue on, but I am in such a low place right now. This is why I am here telling you about this. I thought maybe if I scream it on a blog, maybe I could avoid the emotional need of making myself something super fattening, super carby, and possibly sweet. I wanted to post it on face book but he would be so pissed off and that is all I need, to have him even more mad at me. So here it all is. I am screaming in my blog but as of now, I have made it through 6 days of diet. I cannot weigh myself for a faint hope that I have lost any weight, because my scale is either broken or needs a new battery, and my oldest has used all the batteries. Yes you can laugh. I sure do.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)